Free to be

I was up this morning way before I normally am. I couldn’t sleep because I’m still waiting to hear back from my short-term disability on whether or not they’ve accepted my claim. Yesterday I had to run to Caldwell simply to sign a document allowing my OBGYN share my medical information (which in this case I don’t see the relevance since my claim has to do with my mental capabilities, not my physical ones). I was a little annoyed because they have been handling my case for weeks and only last minute realized they needed this. Little errands such as these—normally “normal” annoyances that come with life—have the effect of making me feel like a live wire. Anything that touches me gets a small shock, and each shock has the effect of increasing the voltage.

Other than the normal inconveniences that come from life, I have slowed myself waaaay down to almost a halt. My extra-curricular activities are at a bare minimum and most of my time is spent at home either resting or cleaning. Jose has to take the baby fairly frequently. Usually it works out that in the morning I have the most ambition, cooking, cleaning, taking care of Aurelio, but in the evening I have to let everything go and slink upstairs to watch t.v. or sleep. I then get a second burst of energy and use it by cleaning, and then bed.

Anyway, I didn’t write this to share my new routine, which I realize has to be fascinating, but to share some of my more recent personal insights. Maybe it’s ironic but I wanted to share how too much of my life over the last few years has been open to sharing. Or maybe a more accurate description is that I feel like too much of my life has been available to something or someone else besides myself.

Examples: Working 40 plus hours a week, trying to maintain a crippled social life, spending quality time with my husband and my child, the stress of a disorganized household, worrying about other people’s various troubles. All these things have been energy expounded outwards. Some of them are now considered “fillers” in that they have the effect of making me feel complete, but when you add more to your plate than you can carry, I’ve learned that even the good can become burdens that drain you.

Now I find that I have time for activities that used to take energy for me to push through. Praying has more become like an act of breathing, something I came to doubt was possible over the years. I didn’t suspect that I was spending so much time confined to actions that *had* to be done that my mind/heart weren’t free to just be.

As I’ve mentioned before, cleaning is another activity that used to be a drain but has now turned therapeutic. Almost daily I am able to not only keep up on the usual required tasks but am able to complete a major task that I have been pushing off for weeks, months or years. As I watch my space become more organized I feel myself breath.

Pets are another. I have always loved having them, but the responsibility attached would drive me crazy with its endlessness. Poop, food, a clean habitat; rarely were these were items I could maintain consistently, even though I wanted so badly to have them around. Now I have added two new ones to my growing menagerie and love nurturing their little existences.

Overall I think this time is a gift from my hormones, forcing me to evaluate what is truly important in my life. What are my priorities? What do I want to spend time doing and what is only a drain? We all have responsibilities that we have to be mindful of, but for some of us we take on the world like it is expected of us. I hope at the end of this all I will have developed a resolve toward investing myself in what is actually expected of me.

I do hope to someday be better enough so that every bump in the road doesn’t have the effect of jarring my entire system, but in the meantime I will watch and learn from this experience, and try to be brave. After all, it is a very scary thing to have to tell the world “no” while you simply try to exist.

Sunk

This week I was officially diagnosed with episodic major depression and severe anxiety. There were telling signs: Crying every other day, driving 20 minutes to the nearest Chik Fil A four nights a week because it calmed my nerves, avoiding any kind of real work that might require an attention span longer than a handful of minutes. At first I thought I was experiencing a physical condition relating to my pregnancy so I saw my OBGYN, but I found no solace there.

This is just pregnancy, there isn’t much I can do for you

But I can’t even drive 10 minutes without feeling like I’ll end up in an accident because I can’t keep my eyes open!

*shrug*

I walked away from that appointment furious and spent. I was looking for much needed rest and, while I understand that pregnancy in and of itself isn’t a disability, I felt disabled. Broken and finished, it seemed my only escape was to quit my job and help my husband find some part-time work while he completed his phlebotomy training. All of the burdens I had been (mostly) skillfully carrying were getting tossed left and right, and the bulk of the financial responsibilities were now going on my spouse’s shoulders even though it would likely put us back on welfare for a season.

When someone close to me brought up depression the light went off and I scheduled another appointment, but my hopes were small. This time, however, I sat in front of someone who understood and validated my feelings and it was the most liberating feeling in the world. Yes, she could help me qualify for disability benefits. She also wanted to see me weekly to work through my feelings. My boss’ reaction was equally surprising and relieving: Tillamook cheese and yogurt coupons were thrust at me along with multiple assurances that whatever I needed, they would do what they could to help me.

I had my freedom.

So now I spend most of my time recovering from small mishaps that I use to shake off with ease. Where once I thought it was only my job plus pregnancy that had me overwhelmed, I can now clearly see that my chemistry is just “off”. A change in my schedule has me sulking for hours. A disagreement with my husband has me bawling and yelling with arms waving. There is more to this too that has to do with achieving balance and my penchant for taking on more of the world than is mine to conquer but… We will get to that later. For now, I felt like being transparent about where I was and what I am doing about it.

Why I Didn't Watch the Nye/Ham Debate, and What Could I Possibly Have to Say About It (Part 2)

“A faith without some doubts is like a human body without antibodies in it. People who blithely go through life too busy or indifferent to ask hard questions about why they believe as they do will find themselves defenseless against either the experience of tragedy or the probing questions of a smart skeptic.” Tim Keller

Standing beside my Goliath, all I had at my disposal were the same two weapons: a curious (but limited) intellect, and prayer.

I remember during one of my periods of turmoil being at work, trying to distract myself with my duties, and finally crying out to God in my mind, “Please help me figure this out, I don’t know what to do! I don’t want to be scared all the time, but that’s what it feels like right now, how do I escape?”

The thought came to me that I needed to seek. And not just seek out those who I knew already agreed with me, but seek out the roughest, toughest, bunch of skeptics I could find so that I would know, really know, that I had at least tried to understand what the “other side” was about. I couldn’t try to protect myself with selective listening, because I knew I would only be burying myself deeper in denial and distancing myself from the world, and that is not the kind of faith that was authentic to me.

So I read, and read, and found websites or books that presented one position, then found what I thought was a well-constructed argument against it. And I spent a lot of time thinking. I didn’t always make big changes in my beliefs in a single setting; usually it was some small detail that I later had to circle back to years later to re-explore, adapt or rearrange. Mostly it wasn’t that a new element was added, but a room was made bigger for ideas to better flow through. The biggest alterations were walls that were taken out that I had come to decide didn’t belong in the first place.

Ultimately the architecture of my faith has not only remained, but been improved by facing my Goliath, who I no longer identify as a single entity such as “atheism” or “science,” but by his real name: Fear.

---

There are so many points I wanted to make with this post that it has been hard for me to narrow myself down to a conclusion. Chastise believers because I think they’ve alienated an entire community by defending a very specific, predetermined perspective? Challenge the atheist community who likes to use this specific position as a straw man to undermine all of theism?

How about neither? At least one of my points is that we need to quit accusing large groups of people based on a label, because what you believe shouldn’t define how you believe. The more I interact with thinkers different than myself, the more I realize that we stop hearing each other as soon as we think we know the why behind someone believing what they do (because admit it, it usually isn’t a sterling motive we’re assigning them).  

On the flip side, in the aftermath of debates between figures like Bill Nye and Ken Ham, men who embody two very specific belief systems, I saw this debate used an opportunity to protect what we think we already know instead of keeping an open mind to learning what maybe we don’t. And since I do not consider that a debate, but a stage for a melodrama, that is why I chose not to watch.

Why I Didn't Watch the Nye/Ham Debate, and What Could I Possibly Have to Say About It (Part 1)

No, I did not watch the debate last night.  I did,  however,  watch my news feed as others reacted TO the debate.  Familiar nouns like "faith", "science", "Bible", "facts", "Spirit of God" got thrown around like verbs. "I'm going to science that Bible until it cries!" or "Those sciencers need to get their faiths checked out", that kind of thing.*

I shared a blog post from the Huffington Post (http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4723766) alongside all the curfuffle that I thought made the good argument that the entire discussion was needless,  we're trying to compare apples to oranges. Simplistic  but I believe it made a good point: There is often a rocky history behind our ingrained sentiments,  and I think the church and the scientific community might benefit from exploring the relevance of that history as they interact so that they can genuinely hear each other. 

But all these observations aside,  the debate had the additional effect of propeling me forward to share why I am where I am in the scuffle and how I arrived.  I will undercut some of the suspense and share that I definitely do not have every question answered, either spiritually or scientifically. Really what has changed is how I see myself in relation to the questions, and how I allow myself to react as they are asked.

---

Ten years ago I was on the cusp of giving my life to Christ. My heart was in a bad way due to rough personal circumstances and a close Christian friend was there trying to help me work through the mess.  She had her (loving!) agenda,  but the fact was I already had a building desire for God and felt drawn to Christianity specifically. For the first time it seemed a tangible experience I could grasp. Although it was intuitive for me to immediately reach for it, another part of myself needed to test my instincts before I could "let go" of everything else.

So I read and I prayed (because really,  what could it hurt?).  I read anything and everything I thought was relevant at the time.  Why not become a Buddhist,  or Hindu... or nothing at all? I read one side and then the other,  trying to find their best arguments so that I could make sure I wasn't only believing something because I wanted to. Toward the end of this period I remember stumbling on the controversy of evolution. Because atheism wasn't really a belief I considered likely,  I felt comfortable letting the matter go and figured I'd circle back around later if I had to.

Like many of us,  once I became comfortable in my new faith I was, well,  comfortable. Life was great.  Not as in every-detail-was-all-I-hoped-it-would-be great,  but I had a purpose. It happened that God seemed to use me to explain/teach spiritual things to people, and that He was interacting and reshaping my self in real and unexpected ways. Christianity was both "more than" and "exactly what" I thought it would be.

But peace is for a season,  and I eventually had disquieting feelings of uncertainty. Like what if everything I thought I knew was only a emotional bubble I created to evade truth? What if all my Christian relationships only served to make this bubble more resilient,  shielding me from reality? Atheism/evolution/mainstream science became the Goliath representing these doubts and everything about my faith I didn't understand. After all,  the atheists I encountered seemed so confident and to never struggle at all.

Goliath's whisper became a predictable companion every couple of years even though I tried pushing it off,  praying it away to find peace. Anxiety built up inside and suffocated me with fear instead. Apparently, there was only one way out and that was through my fear. If there was a God He was forcing me to confront Goliath and use my intellect as the weapon of choice.

...and how small my stone was compared to this giant!

*a terrible, but more humorous, rendition of what was actually said by the way

Romance, interrupted

I recently shared an article¹ on Facebook that was one woman’s perspective on her marriage after one year together. She starts it with the startling assertion “My husband is not my soul mate,” and continues from there to defend that, even after growing up believing and praying that God would bring her the perfect mate, the man she eventually came to marry doesn’t always bring her the relationship she expected to find. She loves her husband dearly (don’t get her wrong) but after all of her pining and praying and waiting and book reading, the man she married is different than the portrait she drew in her mind as a girl. From this she concludes that maybe, just maybe, we have created a lot of hype about our One Soul Mate that is unwarranted and, dare we say it, unbiblical? After all, God reiterates promises about the kind of person He wants to make us into, not the height, hair color, and youth pastory-ness we will find in the man/woman of our dreams.

I didn’t agree with all of this author’s conclusions about God’s will in our lives, but at the time didn’t clarify my position. The discussion generated on Facebook attacked some of these points, like the implication that we should reduce God to an impartial observer to our free will. I also disagreed in simply following the principles of Scripture as though a personal God exercises no creativity in our lives (all you need is a good Christian and you have God’s stamp of approval). What really prompted me to share this blog post was her admonition that no matter what process you went through to find your spouse, God’s best or not, you had an obligation as a believer to commit to that person and love them as Christ would have you.

Three years ago I was in the position of deciding God’s will for my romantic life. Through a series of events I found myself in love with a non-Christian, uncertain what God wanted me to do. On one side I had friends who were pressing me to leave him, on the other I felt like the responses to all my prayers to God was to give Jose a chance. What was I supposed to do? I remember one night I couldn’t sleep so I surfed the internet looking for similar stories of people in my position.

One of these was of a woman who fell in love with a non-Christian when she was young, and they married quickly. It didn’t take long for her life to be filled with frustration when her husband didn’t share her interest in spiritual matters. She quickly concluded she had not chosen God’s best. This woman bucked against it for years; she fought to involve him in church, to save him, to change him, and every effort made only ended in more frustration for them both. They were married for 40, angst-filled, years until he abruptly died. A comment in her conclusion stood out boldly:

…gradually my attitude towards Bob is changing too. I can see that he was as much a product of his upbringing as I was of mine. I can see that because I let bitterness over the areas that divided us saturate me, I overlooked the very real good qualities he had…. He was a loyal family man. In fact he said once that in his eyes “loyalty” and “love” were the same thing. His only interests were his family and work. He didn’t find work very fulfilling - he worked to provide for his family. He never talked about the Protestant work ethic - he just lived it. He never drank, smoke, or frequented clubs. He used to bring home all his pay, and would only keep out $20.00 for himself. This would cover any haircuts, his fortnightly lotto ticket (the only gambling he did), and minor items like nails, fuses, batteries. When we lived in the country, if he were late home there were only two possible reasons; he was at the jeweler’s getting his watch repaired –again – or he was at the barber’s. Once we moved to a capital city, the only times he was late home was if his commuter train was late. He showed as much care and concern for my side of the family as he did for his own, and Christmas presents for both sets of parents and siblings were identical. On three occasions when my mother needed rescuing from her own tragic domestic situation, we never discussed whether we should take her in; we just went up and got her.

How can I possibly be talking about the same man that I’ve just been complaining about?
Any negative statement I’ve made about Bob is the truth. Perhaps I ought to qualify that a little. It was the truth as I perceived it at the time, because I focused on my own problems and my own misery, instead of focusing on Christ. [emphasis mine] ²

Reading her story at the time had the effect of sobering me once again to being cautious about merely following my feelings to decide my romantic fate. My own story, with its many twists and turns, demanded that I eventually break up with Jose until he was ready to commit to Christ. It also demanded that a few of my Christian relationships be cut off for a time until I was making that decision to please God, and not man. My love story is not over, however. Jose and I have a lot of growing together as a couple that still involves grace on both ends: As a seasoned believer, I have to remind myself to be patient as Jose discovers what God means in his life. As a new believer, Jose has to reconcile my internal beauty that initially attracted him (his words, not mine!), with my equally insensitive, selfish nature.

Hosea is a famous Old Testament prophet who was asked—by God Himself—to marry a prostitute. God used their marriage as an illustration of the imperfect relationship between Himself and the nation of Israel. Ups and downs, God had a purpose for this couple. Over and again Hosea was exposed to disappointing heartbreaks, but was asked to show redemptive love to a spouse that was far from ideal. This is not the most often recited love story in the Bible, and yet it makes a dramatically counter-cultural point: Happily ever after, at least the biblical kind, doesn’t come wrapped in a tidy package. Biblical “ever after” instead portrays messy people colliding, desperately clinging to grace in order to glorify God.

 

1 http://theartinlife.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/my-husband-is-not-my-soul-mate/

2 http://www.net-burst.net/ruth/minorkey1.htm

Reflections on Racism

I'm currently enrolled in a class called Multicultural Counseling. Initially, the fact I had to take this class annoyed me because almost every counseling course so far has mentioned an aspect of multiculturalism. I get it, I get it. We have differences, respect it, get to know it, moving on...

So far, however, I have learned a lot about myself. Despite the fact I consider myself progressive in how I approach others who act or believe differently than me, a recent assignment made me aware that I (believe it or not) have been an ageist. I actually had a subconsciousness social awkwardness to people over the age of 80. My reasoning? They felt completely foreign. I talked to them like I was talking to a child (old=feeble minded). I was surprised when they had liberal opinions (old=conservative). I didn't share all of my thoughts and feelings (old=closed-minded).

This got me thinking: What exactly makes someone prejudice? I have family members who use racist slang in private to describe bad characters, but when they come into contact with people of other nationalities, color, etc, they almost always judge the person by their actions. This I do not consider prejudice (albeit the language choice is foolish).

Then there are those who are politically correct, but when in the presence of certain differences, let those differences take precedence over getting to know the person themselves. They react defensively, do not listen to what the person is saying, do not give the benefit of the doubt. This, is prejudice. I am going to assume we have all done this from time to time.

Then there are those that both walk the nasty walk and talk the nasty talk.

Which led me to my next thought: What is the damage of prejudice? Why even care? For those who haven't experienced much of it (like myself) the impact may not be obvious, and from time to time the thought has crossed my mind that we all need to be strong in ourselves and not subject to public opinion. To an extent I think this is true, Jesus says "Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come" but he followed it quickly with, "but woe to anyone through whom they come. It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble. So watch yourselves" (Luke 17:2-3, NIV).

We read and hear about how hurtful it is, unkind, and demeaning. But there are particular illustrations that have brought the damage of prejudice to my heart and I wanted to share for reflection.Take these excerpts from a story Culture Identity: Life Stories for Counselors and Therapists. The woman's name is Julie, a 30-year old African American woman living in the United States:

"I often dreamed of traveling and seeing all the places White people came from. It's funny--visiting Africa never entered my mind until high school. During my search for an identity as a young girl, I remember hating to go get my hair done... I always felt I was being tortured and talked about. I have very thick, coily hair, and it was the topic of many discussions. My 'bad' hair was difficult and hard to manage, and I was often teased about cutting it off. Although I never said anything, this early experience made me feel I should have been born White." (p. 12)

"Did only White families have faithful husbands who took care of their families and loving and devoted wives? Was it a Black woman's fate to raise her children alone and to bear them outside of marriage (there sure were a lot of single female parents at church)? Why was I not considered beautiful, and because of my appearance, would I ever meet someone who would love me and think I was beautiful?" (p. 14)

"In some of my daydreams, my hair was a bouncy, wavy texture, and my skin was much lighter. I was considered beautiful, and all of the men--White and Black and everything else--thought I was the most beautiful woman they had ever met. See; I knew I was Black, but I hated everything about being Black. I hated the way Black people spoke, and I hated the way they laughed and drank and looked. I hated that they all didn't want to do better, wouldn't go to school, didn't find jobs, had unprotected sex, and so on. I didn't realize it, but I hated me." (p. 14-15)

The other exercise that touched me deeply was the following video we had to watch for class:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/divided/

My point for sharing these is the hope that people (including myself) will think of the ripples we send out every time we speak. If you are one of those who carelessly use their words, please think about the small girl who wonders if anyone will ever find her beautiful. For those who unconsciously avoid people groups because of discomfort, challenge yourself, be the change you wish to see. For those who are hurt and want someone to blame, do not let superficial differences be your indicator, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

A list of things I wish were different about myself:

1.       That I were more humble

I annoy myself with my impulse to have last words, and know all the things.

2.       That I would be dependable

I was born with an almost complete insensitivity to plans and the importance of being on time.

3.       That I could give convincing compliments

I rarely believe anymore I can say something nice and sound sincere, I am much more fluent in sarcasm.

4.       That I didn’t have anxiety attacks over unimportant things

Talking to people. Calling customer service.  Making eye contact.

5.       That I didn’t watch so much t.v.

Always in the background, it has become a dear but obnoxious friend.

6.       That I answered the phone more often

Because of #4 I sometimes don’t answer the phone (especially if I haven’t been praying).

7.       That I picked up the phone to call more often

I always appreciate the good conversation afterword.

8.       That I could get angry (and not sin)

Some people get angry all over the place, other people get angry and don’t know where to put it.

9.       That I chose the awkward conversation over the stale relationship

Has to do with #4 and #8.

10.   That I not talk about minor successes as though they were conclusions

“Take heed those who stand…”

Just felt like sharing, mostly to help with #1 and unspoken #11 (finishing projects I start)

The end!

I am Excited.

In two days it will be my and my husband's two year anniversary. The original plan was to take a four day weekend camping trip to McCall where we would fish and celebrate the frugal life by preparing our own food and letting the moutain air remind us of why we are such a good couple: we both enjoy being somewhere else as long as it's together. Plans went askew, however, when we realized just how frugal we would have to be (to the point of smothering the fun out of it) and just how difficult it was to navigate the mountains with all the wildfires running rampant. Add to that I'm 33 weeks pregnant today...

Instead a new opportunity popped up. I remembered that the Western Idaho Fair was this weekend and have wanted to go every year since we've gotten married--including the year we got married. Why not this year?? So I began my fervant planning. Buying advance tickets, looking up the events taking place on different days. I believe we're going to go two whole days so that we can walk around the entire place ten times and eat too much food that hurts my stomach, and overall have a blast.

I am excited.

On top of that I was thinking to myself whilst planning, wouldn't it be fun if there was a place we could stay in the area for free? I used to house-sit frequently but I couldn't think of anyone that I could kick out of their house in time. Not even two hours later a friend of mine starts texting me about how stressful her week was going to be, she had to work many hours and also had agreed to dog sit for someone; just how was she going to stay sane? Oh my, thought me, this could be perfect. So I tentatively presented her with a solution: Jose and I could help with the dog sitting (if it were ok with everyone involved) and she could have a break while helping us out. Long story short she poked around and figured out it was ok, and we were set! We arrived today and while the place isn't a luxurious resort it IS somewhere other than home and it is comfortable. Plus the dog is way cute.

How excited I am.

In other news in the span of a week I decided I was going to grad school.

Yay!

Tidbits and details will leak out as time goes by, but for now I'll say that I can go through my first Masters program guilt free knowing that jobs will be available to be on the other side. And all this was pieced together through a series of fortuitous events that I had no way of knowing would be there. Like me taking a job I never thought I would take. Then a friend suggesting I investigate a possible promotion. Then me making a phone call to Regent University (my grad school of choice) and learning that the perfect program was available for me to complete in a year.

Four-too-eh-tuss

And my baby boy is getting ready to make his way into the world. I can feel his little feet now if I search with my hand. Today I used my fingers to bop his heel (or his elbow) and could feel it swish forward and back. I love the feeling that I can initiate touching him now.

Let's see, what else? God has provided finances where there have been none, opportunities to open the door to friendships that have been closed off for years, and people telling me about free stuff that may be available for me and the baby, and, and, and... I think that's all.

Don't get me wrong, there have been challenges this week as well. I'm hecka nervous about my future work schedule and how I'm going to juggle it all, but I'm trying to surrender it. And Jose's work schedule is also sketchy. I also have something on my mind that's disgruntling me that I need to write about soonish, probably while I'm staying at this place that has a computer with a keyboard that's not missing any keys. I may disgruntle a few of you as well with my opinion on the matter but I need to let the expectation go that I can make all my adoring fans happy all the time.

So enjoy the panoramic snapshot into my life. This was brought to you by falling asleep before Jose, being woken up by him later, and not wanting to go back to bed.

Seriously...

Day four of taking myself seriously has gone splendidly. I set a goal out of nowhere to talk to at least two people a day (except for Sundays and occasionally Tuesdays as I have a day of rest and a day of practice for worship team that can get in the way) and so far I’ve been getting it done. Looking back over my week and musing over why all of a sudden I decided to take myself and my business seriously all I can think is that it started with finally listening to the conference and opportunity calls and my brother getting his hands on the book The Slight Edge.


Reading the Slight Edge has been great. The principles in it aren’t anything necessarily new, which in my opinion makes them even more credible, but are reminders of things I needed reminding of. Like do things. If you don’t do things things won’t get done. And learn things, because if you aren’t being mentored or surrounded by the influences that are going to draw you in the right direction you will flounder.

Absorb absorb, that’s the habit I want to create. Oh, and face my fears. Because every time I’m about to do an appointment I get absolutely petrified.

I don’t even know what it is I’m afraid of. The only possibilities I’ve landed on aren’t necessarily that I won’t get a sale, or that I won’t find someone else who wants to do the business as much as I do, but really it’s the fear that I’m going to make a fool of myself or say something that misrepresents what I do. I have indeed had those appointments. So now my current solution is to pray this before each and every appointment: “God, please let me represent you well in everything I do, including this. Help me to be sensitive to this person’s needs and not my own agenda, and help me to love others the way you want me to.”
Pretty straightforward, and so far it hasn’t necessarily changed the fact that I get nervous (though that has definitely been on the decline) but as soon as I start talking I feel myself tuning in to the other person instead of falling back on an internal script. This flexibility makes me feel so much better at the end of an appointment; like I’ve given it my best and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

To close today, I’ll end with one of the quotes that inspired me: “How can you judge the course of action you’re taking by its results, when its results come last? The problem with focusing on results is simply that it doesn’t work. Having your attention on your results is like driving your car by looking in the rearview mirror. Your results live in the past, and like all things in the past, they belong there.” (pg. 108, The Slight Edge)

I'm baaaack

I’ve finally decided to blog again! It’s been on my mind for almost a year, every time I read a topic that has me agitated or pensive I think, “Why not blog again? You LOVE to talk, you LOVE to share your opinion which you feel is lacking, so why not?”

My “why not” this year was working full time, though now I think that was mostly an excuse to be lazy in my down time. My other more recent excuse was that my dog (who passed about a month ago) decided to chew my power cord to uselessness, and this was after he’d already popped off 20% of the keys.


But you know what, one of the lessons I have been working on in my personal life applies to this all. It’s the lesson that when someone wants to see something done they have to actually do it. If I want people to consider my perspective, or hear about my life’s journey, that isn’t going to happen on accident. I have so many areas personal and professional that demand that I follow through and this is just another one. Do I face mediocre obstacles? Yes, of course. Me not having a usable computer sucks. But I do have the kind of technology that allows me to use my phone to do amazing things that five years ago I couldn’t have done, and if I liken this to the western expansion I can lump myself in with the other great ones who made a way when one was not readily available.

I’m being dramatic but I want to keep things spicy for this grand return…

This being said I think I’m going to try talking about my business tomorrow (without trying to sell something). Lumped into the above category, I feel like there is much I’m learning about myself through trying to work out of my home part time that’s worth sharing. Until then…

Christianity Meets Postmodernism

This is the subject for the paper I needed to write for my worldviews class, and I must say that after our other assignment in that same class where we were to debate whether postmodernism has a place in Christianity, this isn't the perspective shared by everyone. A lot of Christians do have the knee-jerk response, but because I shouldn't repeat myself I'll just let whoever is interested read it for themselves! It is long, but if you happen to have time on your hands...

Christianity Meets Postmodernism

The term “postmodernism” has a variety of effects on its hearers: Some are highly offended, some exult in its possibilities, while still others have no idea what it actually means. Our class has already discussed whether or not postmodernism has any place in the Christian realm, and while divisions exist over whether postmodernism is the biggest evil since… well… modernism, this author does believe that despite conflicts there are inroads between the two—Inroads that allow Christians to learn from postmodernism as well as provide means to communicate with its strict adherents.

A Definition

To explain postmodernism, one first looks to its parent, modernism. Modernism was the design of thinking developed in the late 19^th and 20^th centuries that pulled away from all things traditional, and challenging any beliefs except those that could be explicitly “proven”. Everything needed to be examined and explained, and explained scientifically, before it was to be accepted as truth. Modernism, however, discovered its limitations: while vast progress was made in science and technology, life’s biggest questions remained unanswered, like whether a closed universe was adequate to explain the mysteries of life, or whether meaning could be found in a closed view of creation. Journalist Glenn Stanton from Christianity today puts it, “Enlightenment science also failed to provide a sufficient basis for acting morally in a civil society. The modernist promise of inevitable progress fueled by the inherent goodness of knowledge [has been] judged a fairy tale by the experience of the last century, the bloodiest in all of history” (2002, p. 1).

Postmodernism has sought to paint over this bleak picture with broad strokes. The dictionary definition of postmodernism is, “any of a number of trends or movements in the arts and literature developing in the 1970s in reaction to or rejection of the dogma, principles, or practices of established modernism… encouraging the use of elements from historical vernacular styles and often playful illusion, decoration, and complexity” (Porter, 1998, postmodernism).

Postmodernism puts limitations on what can be known, if anything, by the human mind. Sire explains, “Our age, which more and more is coming to be called postmodern, finds itself afloat in a pluralism of perspectives, a plethora of philosophical possibilities, but with no dominant notion of where to go or how to get there” (2004, p. 212). The American culture, after being subject to so many different perspectives of reality and combined with the awareness that science doesn’t explain every question, found itself stepping away from the significance of knowing and instead put the emphasis instead on the meaning each person gives their experiences (Sire, 2004, p. 218).

Christians are feeling the threat this kind of thinking can pose. After all, the majority of Christians would agree that the substance of the Christian faith is in the knowing, and the knowing of Jesus Christ as Savior. If knowledge is challenged, how is one supposed to share the gospel? Correct a wrong? And Christians aren’t the only ones who have taken issue with postmodernity; some secularists share the frustration as well. Author Christopher Norris states, “We have a vision of post-modernity as a journey into unknown territory where the old cultural constraints no longer apply, and our collective security is potentially compromised…” (2002, p. 214).

Seeking an Appropriate Response

In step with the threat, many reactions have ignited from the Church toward postmodernism and mostly all are negative. One exception is from what is now called the Emergent Church—a body of believers that seeks to assimilate the best of postmodern thinking in an effort to revitalize the Gospel. A description of the Church is given by one of their authors and spokesman, Collin Hanson, “An American Christian today is beset by globalization, pluralism, and postmodernism (three terms that I use interchangeably). In other words, the world is a confusing mess. I think that conservative, evangelical, Reformed theology offers sure answers spoken in tones of certainty by authority figures. Emergent Christianity, for better and worse, offers more ambiguous answers (and even more questions!) in tones of less certainty — but, hopefully, at least with what Lesslie Newbigin called ‘proper confidence’” (Hansen & Jones, 2008, p. 2).

There is much that can be said of the positives of what the Emergent Church has to offer with its focus on community and Christian behavior. Even so, there are some unorthodox ways of interpreting long-accepted Biblical beliefs that many find unacceptable. In the following quote, one Emergent Christian shares a different interpretation of Old Testament war after considering the limitations of language:

To me, such narratives reveal as much about the underlying worldview of the recipients of God’s message(s), as they do about God himself. I think, like a good postmodernist, that all such “message-events” are a combination of sender - message - and receiver. There is no special crystalline reception that exists - somehow miraculously outside a worldview - merely because it is God who is speaking…all that is to say, I assume that in such passages the people in question heard *something* from God, but they then filtered it through their expectations/presuppositions. (Precipice, para. 4)

Whether the Emergent has reached too far to span the distance of postmodernism to Christianity is a debate destined to happen, never-the-less there are still values Christians can glean from postmodernism that are already Biblical. For instance, humility is never an unattractive quality in a Christian, and the postmodern view of accepting our human limitations can fall into that category. I do not need to believe that “your truth is your truth, and mine is mine” in order to listen to what you have to say and still remain open to the possibility that you (whether or not you are a Christian) could be right on a particular issue. In the Gospels, Christ was able to debate logically while still being meek in spirit. In fact, the times we see Christ at His most “intolerant” is when He came into contact with hypocrital and argumentative religious people who didn’t use their ears to listen (John 2:15; Matt. 23:27; Mark 16:5). Only those who had genuine questions and a teachable spirits, like Nicodemus, were given answers (John 3).

First Contact

So how exactly are Christians supposed to communicate with postmodernists without entirely becoming one? Duane Liften frames the problem in an article for Christianity Today:

The radical objectivism and neutrality of the Enlightenment have long been critiqued by Christians, Litfin said, and Emergent is right to repudiate them as unchristian and unbiblical.

“But Christians also have no business embracing the equally radical perspectivism of postmodernity," he said.

“If one has been captured by a constructivist epistemology, a position that repudiates anyone's right even to make a truth claim, and which considers truth instead to be utterly situated," Litfin said, "then any truth-claim dimensions of the gospel will be dramatically muted.” (Jones & Collins, 2004, p. 2)

And how can Christians effectively obey the commanded to share the gospel if that Gospel falls on the deaf ears of an audience that won’t even consider a truth-claim?

In one conversation I had with a postmodern friend, we were discussing truth and whether or not it was even possible to know. He asserted that we couldn’t know truth, while I was asserting that we can’t know that we know, but that doesn’t mean that one of us is incapable of being right. In other words, we all live by faith but it is possible that one of us could hit on objective truth.

In this conversation, instead of choosing between fighting against all of his ideas or entirely submitting myself to the futility that particular perspective, I chose to acknowledge the aspects I agreed with while pointing out the ones that I didn’t. By doing so I avoided turning a friend into an enemy and avoided shutting down the entire conversation.

Also, when approaching postmodernism Christians would be wise to remember the effect father modernism has had on traditional Christianity. Glen Stanton points out:

Evangelicalism and its first cousin, fundamentalism, have famously been at odds with a modernism that has either treated the idea of God as a fairy tale or an evil. As a consequence, our relationship with modernity has largely been reactive and defensive. While much of evangelicalism is still in this pitched battle, we fail to realize we are in the window of time between modernity's flat-lining and its obituary being posted in the newspapers. The death of the highest modernist ideals is not widely realized, but evangelicals should recognize it and change our posture from reactive to constructive, because we find ourselves in a culture with an empty stage and an open microphone…. McLaren said our current approach to the age reminded him of a friend who worked in Washington as a spy. "He saw everything through the lenses of the Cold War—who was good, who was bad, and what his mission was," McLaren said. "When the Cold War ended, he was lost. His worldview no longer served him well in a new climate, and he didn't know how to adjust. We evangelicals tend to be that way at the death of modernism." (2002)

Conclusion

My own interactions with postmodernism have been varied: At one point I was one, at times I now rail against it, but for the most part I see wisdom in seeking trying to bridge the gaps between the two without comprising on essentials. While I do believe that the unstable qualities of postmodernism can serve to break down important elements of the Gospel, I do not believe in these circumstances that the best defense is an aggressive offense. An offense that is offensive is not a wise course of action toward this new generation that has grown callous to the hostility of previous generations. Because of this, I believe we instead should emphasis our commonalities while doing our best to defend why we believe what we believe. This is the path I will choose to follow.

References

Holy Bible. New International Version. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.

Jones, T. & Hansen, C. (2008) Emergent's New Christians and the Young and Restless Reformed. Christianity Today, volume 52.

McLaren, B. & Liften, D. (2004) Emergent evangelism. Christianity today, volume 48, 11.

Norris, C. (2002) What’s wrong with postmodernism: Critical theory and the ends of philosophy. Hemel Hemstead: Harvester Wheatsheaf.

Porter, N. (Ed.). (1998) Webster’s revised unabridged dictionary. Springfield, MA: C. & G. Mirriam Co.

Precipice (2008) The cart and horse of biblical infallibility. Precipice Magazine. October ed. Retrieved December 11 from http://www.precipicemagazine.com/

Sire, J. W. (2004) The universe next door: A basic worldview catalog, fourth edition. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press.

Stanton, G. T. (2002) The postmodern moment: Are Christians prepared after modernism’s failure? Christianity today, volume 46, 7.

Yowza, I should be in bed...

...but instead I decided to write about my flowery, housy dreams at 3 in the a.m. I wanted to get started in sharing with everyone what my ambitions are for the next two years--at least insomuch as it concerns the shell I dwell in.

First, here is a picture of the outside of my dream-home:


If that isn't enough to melt your heart, you should see the inside (I'm keeping that a secret, I don't want to copy-cats out there with 70 g on their hands taking my ideas!). It has about everything I was looking for, including the balcony, extra bedrooms for me to rent out, enclosed rooms for an aura of mystery, and space enough to breath. I plan on slathering it in hardwood, excepting the enclosed entryway and the upstairs master bath. I'm altering the design a smidgen to make more room in the living room and and kitchen and shifting around the bathrooms, but otherwise... *sigh*

The loveliest part is that my dream could be a reality in the next few years if I budget wisely! I want to have renters, to make this house a home. I want it to someday be an oasis for people to escape to and find love. I want God to be there.

It is ever-so-much fun developing my ideas but I'm trying hard to be careful not to become obsessed. God has plans that are more mature than my own, and I need to learn to trust. So trust I shall.

Church issues: Mine, Yours, and Ours.

Church Issues

If there is one mantra that agitates me more than any other, it is people complaining about the church.

That said, I do understand particular church issues and respect that there are people who have been hurt by churches (including some of my closest friends). I know there are healthy churches, unhealthy churches, noisy churches, subdued churches, isolated churches, worldly churches... The list goes on. I am not a fan of every church, nor does this mean that I don't get angry at the church from time to time.

My frustration is with those who approach the church with unrealistic expectations and walk away, bitter and disappointed. Throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak, giving up on Church because of isolated incidents of hatred or bigotry.

So to address said issue, I've decided to write about a few incidents (starting with my own) and muse about a Biblical approach to such problems. This is hopefully relevant to both Christians and non-Christians, though I mostly hope to sway the opinion of Christians. For the non-Christian I hope I can offer a new perspective on how Church conflict should be viewed...

: Mine

For most of my Christian life (all of five years now) I haven't experienced much trouble with the church. I became a Christian at 18, found a church close to where I worked in Caldwell and I enjoyed going. The people were friendly and the teaching satisfied my appetite for learning. I was involved with the worship team for a while (not my calling, by the way) and also tried leading a Youth Group (also didn't turn out so pretty, but that's for another blog).

My first issue with this church occured when I noticed that the preaching of the Pastor seemed tainted to me. When reading through Acts 16 where Paul and Silas are singing to hyms to God in prison, the Pastor said something to the effect that the only reason these two were singing was because they were in such dispair. Like it was an effort on Paul and Silas' part to keep their spirits up during the horrible circumstances God had put them in.

Maybe it's because I'm a disgusting optimist, or maybe this is where I fall into being critical, but I always have and always will have trouble with the idea of the woeful Christian. For me, this interpretation of Acts 16 didn't settle right because it gave me the impression that for a Christian to do God's work he should expect to do it with a frown and a sigh. When I became a Christian the most important revelation to me was that I could have hope. That no matter how bad my circumstances looked I could hold on to the truth that God had a plan and a purpose for my life. Silas and Paul singing despite being in prison was a demonstration of that truth, not a contradiction.

The end of my story is short. I tried bringing up my feelings to the said pastor, but instead of building him up I think I tore him down more. I walked away from the conversation feeling like more prayer and understanding should have been in order, and I learned my first lesson about the church:

Leadership is allowed its weaknesses.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

Even the most well-intentioned Christian leader is NOT infallible, nor will he or she always behave at the top of their capabilities. Healthy leadership is to set a good example for the rest of the congregation (and that includes working on said weaknesses), but leaders should not be expected to always be perfect. Only Christ can fulfill that expectation.

: Yours

Most of you probably have a story you can tell, and I'm sure are more devious than a well-intentioned pastor gone awry. I've heard stories of fellow-church members walking up to someone in the congregation to say, "Fuck you", and that was supposed to be God's will. Or fire and brimstone preaching. Or manipulation. I can list my own behavior as a horror story where I have aggressively attacked someone to make a point. A portion of these comes from a flawed nature we Christians still battle with from time to time, but a part comes from the fact that the church isn't made up of 100% Christians.

Believe it or not, simply because one goes to church doesn't mean they're "in":

""Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.'" Matthew 7:21

"Jesus told them another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.
"The owner's servants came to him and said, 'Sir, didn't you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?'
" 'An enemy did this,' he replied.
"The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?'
" 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' " Matthew 13:24-29

It brings to mind my favorite quote of St. Augustine,"Never judge a philosophy by its abuse."

So please, don't let the ones who put up the appearance of Christianity without substance be the ones you use to judge the rest of us...

: Ours

"Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:15-16

The truth is, folks, the Church is necessary. The Church is you and the Church is me. To say that the Church is too flawed to function is really saying that we are all too flawed to ever be in community, Church or no.

Community is an intergral part of the Christian experience where even the pain can serve a greater purpose. Through the hurt and frustration that comes through relationship we learn humility and strength as we depend on Christ. To walk away from such an experience would be to deny ourselves of a deeper, more fulfilling, Christian life.

"Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:25

Painting is titled "Betrayal" by David Boyd
http://www.commissionaire.net/crownst_press/dboyd.htm